


Wild Encounters with Humans

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Canon Gay Character, F/F, F/M, Internet, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Neurodiversity, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Vampires, blatant donald trump reference in my least fav character, cursing, jazz hands for cute queer vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7316152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Klara's a vampire, and very few people have a problem with that. No, it's only when she goes into chatrooms dedicated to vampires that she encounters the dreaded fetishists. She presumes it's the same deal when RoseyLips private messages her, but all Rose wants to do is fangirl over Buffy. Thus ensues the long and complicated friendship between an excitable fangirl and a disillusioned vampire, and the occasional shipper friend. Add feelings of love and the rising of anti-vampire laws, Klara and Rose realize that a hero always has someone who believes in them. This time, it's just less traditional. </p><p>(Told entirely through emails, Skype, Tumblr, and chatroom conversations).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Klara is So Done

**The Impatient Idiot**

 

 _(_ **_69lilvampyboi69_ ** _PMs_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _._ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _enters the conversation.)_

 

 **69lilvampyboi69** : asl?

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : 110 years old, female, New York.

 

 **69lilvampyboi69** : i knew u were a vampire

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : If my response was of any indication, I suppose.

 

 **69lilvampy69** : wanna cam? u can suck on my d u lil whorepire

 

 ** _ivanttosuckyourblood:_** While I'm not sure how that would work on a camera, I don't want to conduct sexual activity with someone who has the mental age of a twelve-year old.

 

 _(_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _leaves the conversation.)_

 

 **69lilvampyboi69** : ur teeth are probs from target u lying bitch

 

 _(_ **_69lilvampyboi69_ ** _closes the conversation.)_

  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


**The Fetishist**

 

 _(_ **_likessharpteeth_ ** _PMs_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _._ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _enters the conversation.)_

 

 **likessharpteeth** : ARE THOSE TEETH REAL???!!!

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : Yeah. Grew them out for this profile picture.

 

 **likessharpteeth** : THATS SO HOT

 

 **likessharpteeth** : MY WIFE ALSO LIKES SHARP TEETH

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : Well, good for your wife. I think I'm flattered.

 

 **likessharpteeth** : WE LIVE IN MANHATTAN SO COME TO OUR HOUSE OUR MARRIAGE WILL DIE IF WE DONT SHARPEN THINGS UP IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN LOLOL

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : As much as I'd love to have sweat old man and lady sex in an attempt to fix a marriage that will ultimately fail, I actually have self-respect.

 

 **likessharpteeth** : BUT YOUR A VAMPIRE

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : ... And?

 

 **likessharpteeth** : ARENT VAMPIRES SUPPOSED TO TEMPT YOU I DONT FEEL VERY TEMPTED RIGHT NOW

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : What's that? That's the sound of stereotypes being thrown in the trash. Have fun with your wife.

 

 _(_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _leaves the conversation.)_

 

 **likessharpteeth** : WELL MARGARETS GONNA BE PISSED

 

**(likessharpteeth closes the conversation.)**

 

**\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

 

**The Over-Enthusiastic Otherkin**

 

 _(_ **_secretlyawitch_ ** _PMs_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _._ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _enters the conversation.)_

 

 **secretlyawitch** : hi! i'm jennifer. you?

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : Finally, someone normal. You don't even need my name, because I don't think I want to come here again.

 

 **secretlyawitch** : ugh i feel your pain girl. creepy guys keep messaging what they think is a sultry vampire mistress?

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : Oh my God. Someone actually and truly sympathetic. I didn't know nice people were on the internet anymore.

 

 **secretlyawitch** : c'mon i bet you're sweet! ;)

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : In all honesty... No.

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : I've done things that I'm not comfortable talking about with a stranger.

 

 **secretlyawitch** : you've done things you had to survive. i understand!

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : ... Really?

 

 **secretlyawitch** : can i tell you a secret?

 

 **secretlyawitch** : i'm a vampire trapped in a human body

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : ...

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : ...

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : What.

 

 **secretlyawitch** : ya there's a whole community of us online! and i feel sick of feeling trapped in this mortal body :(

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : ...

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : ...

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : What.

 

 **secretlyawitch** : i live on 156 Beaumont Road in san diego, cali! i can ask my step dad for money for your ticket so you can turn me and become my alpha!

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : ... Listen. I appreciate the admiration, but I have no idea what made you think being a vampire is better than being a human, and I don't think I       want to know. As for the alpha thing, I believe that's only for werewolves. Finally, if by some reason that you do become a vampire, do not contact me. Have fun with your online friends and body glitter, you unappreciative hen.

 

 _(_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _leaves the conversation.)_

 

 **secretlyawitch** : ugh, i'm telling 69lilvampyboi69 about this bitch!

 

 _(_ **_secretlyawitch_ ** _closes the conversation.)_

  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


**A Sense of Normalcy**

 

 _(_ **_RoseyLips_ ** _PMs_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _._ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _enters the conversation.)_

 

 **RoseyLips:** Sooooooo I noticed you put in Twin Peaks and X-Files as your interests (SCULLY MY DAUGHTER) and I was wondering if you watched Buffy too????

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** NONONONONO FUCK NO

 

 **RoseyLips:** excuse me

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** I know what you're getting at. Is this some innocent starter that will delve into your kinkiest desires for you to join me eternally, or to just have wild whorepire sex with me? WELL NO. YOU'RE NOT GETTING THAT. I'll have you know that even though the Republican Party may disagree, but I still have feelings. They didn't leave me along with my life back in 1906. I'm still the same girl that was hoping for a fresh start in a country, only with like a 100 or so years of experience. And with those 100 years, I can safely fucking say that it feels like nothing has changed- I'm still discriminated against because I'm a bisexual woman that happens to be a VAMPIRE. A VAMPIRE that survives on government-made synthetic blood, not your disgusting human blood. I don't care if you leave this conversation, because I'm going back to the real world, where I have at least some people that see me as the same as a human walking down the street. Call me out for kinkshaming. Call me an angry vampire-rights activist. I fucking hate you all, and I hope you all become vampires, and happen to be too stupid to remember that you can't go in the sun. I'll laugh when I see you all dead, you wastes of oxygen.

 

 **RoseyLips:** I'm really sorry if you had some bad experiences on this chat, but I just wanted to talk about Buffy with a vampire because this girl on tumblr said it was racist against vampires, and I thought it'd be cool to find a vampire fan for clarification/fangirl moments. I'm sorry, have a nice night.

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** ...

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** ...

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** What.

 

 **RoseyLips:** ... Yeah. What else did you expect?

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** Well, this is embarrassing. Let me start with apologizing.

 

 **RoseyLips:** Yeah, I think I deserve one -_-

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** Don't patronize me. Second, I admit I have seen a few episodes of Buffy back in 1997, but they were too campy for my liking,

 

 **RoseyLips:** Omfg the first few seasons suck.

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** So I would be fine with discussing Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a relatively sane person.

 

 **RoseyLips:** YAYYYYYYYYYYY :3

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** ... Never type that emoticon again.

 

 **RoseyLips:** :3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3 (YOUKNOW~NYA)

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood:** This chatroom is affecting you, is it not? Let's talk on a more respectable platform where ads for camgirls don't pop up every few seconds.

 

 **RoseyLips** : Lmao okay then. You got Tumblr? Mine is honorarysummerssister.tumblr.com, but irl my name's Rose

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : I rarely use it, and it's only for aesthetic purposes, but it's vasilisathefool.tumblr.com. It's... Something from the fairy tales my mother used to tell me. Since we are apparently on first-name basis, my name is Klara.

 

 **RoseyLips** : Wow my url's just a double reference lmao. I'll just follow then message you. THANKS AGAAAAAIIIINNNNNNN

 

 _(_ **_RoseyLips_ ** _leaves the conversation.)_

 

 **ivanttosuckyourblood** : I guess humans can be tolerated under the right circumstances.

  
_(_ **_ivanttosuckyourblood_ ** _closes the conversation.)_


	2. Vampire Roommates and Trickery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klara: You guys are no help. I’m just going to message her and be done with the whole deal I had with her.
> 
> Lex: im still shipping it
> 
> Klara: I can still see your texts.
> 
> Lex: ITS CALLED FREEDOM OF SPEECH

**Group Chat: lex don’t you dare put the bee movie script as the chat’s name again**

 

**Lex:** klaraaaaaaaaaaa what happened last night???? you were on your laptop for an hour last night and your always like, “technology’s a waste of time that humans use to distract themselves from their futile existences”

 

**Klara:** …

 

**Pyotr:** Lex, stop being an ass. Klara, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to. 

 

**Lex:** you still like me even if im an ass  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**Klara:** I… I do want to share. Mostly to just affirm it to myself, I suppose.

 

**Klara:** Last night I was on a vampire chatroom (only out of morbid curiosity) and I grew quite tired after the usual group of online lurkers private messaged me.

 

**Klara:** It was only when this girl with an obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer messaged me that I completely lost it for a minute. Yet, she apologized, and stayed when I explained myself.

 

**Lex:** you? losing it?? I thought you just killed people 

 

**Pyotr:** We stopped those shenanigans in the 1930s. Lex, you don’t need to listen in.

 

**Lex:** pyo i think every vampire has killed someone once in their lives. It’s like a staple in culture or whatevs

 

**Klara:** The point is, she was being tolerable. That’s not normal, is it? Then I… I gave her my Tumblr. We’re supposed to message soon, but I’m not sure if this can be good. 

 

**Klara:** Hello? Are you both still there?

 

**Lex:** girl you okay like you could lie down for a min or two 

 

**Pyotr:** I’m not sure if I’m proud of you or not for making a human friend, but it’s better than the constant disdain. 

 

**Klara:** Exactly. I don’t want to message too early, because I don’t want to look desperate. Then again, isn’t communication the key to any lasting relationship?

 

**Klara:** That came out wrong. 

 

**Lex:** look klara, your thinking WAYYYYY too hard about this, just go out into the magical world of the internet and get some pussy for the team okay??

 

**Pyotr:** LEX YUKIMURA I SWEAR TO GOD

 

**Klara:** You guys are no help. I’m just going to message her and be done with the whole deal I had with her.

 

**Lex:** im still shipping it

 

**Klara:** I can still see your texts.

 

**Lex:** ITS CALLED FREEDOM OF SPEECH

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Contact: Harvey Suess** **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

 

**Rose:** So I did it :P

 

**Harvey:** So you found a vampire that watched Buffy. I don’t wanna know how you did that

 

**Rose:** Easy actually I just went on a chatroom for vampires. Had to get through loads of creepers to find one lmao

 

**Rose:** I gave her my tumblr and we’re gonna talk and fangirl and its gonna be great

 

**Harvey:** You realize I was just saying Buffy is racist to make you mad right???

 

**Rose:** What are you talking about

 

**Harvey:** You couldn’t stop talking about Buffy last night and I got bored, so I wanted to make you mad????

 

**Rose:** Are you serious

 

**Harvey:** I was being p obvious about it too so it’s more your fault for not getting it lmao

 

**Rose:** THEN WHAT THE HELL DO I TALK TO HER ABOUT

 

**Rose:** Like she’s the type of person that gets really really pissed easily (i learned firsthand) aND SHE’S GONNA BE MAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT

 

**Harvey:** Calm down Rose it’ll be fine. 

 

**Rose:** no it won’t. You know i’m bad with new people. Like it’s easier on the internet bc i can find people who share my interests easily but irl you’re like the only person who can deal with me

 

**Rose:** Buffy was my crutch to social interaction and now that’s been taken away from me

 

**Harvey:** Rose calm down please. Are you having a panic attack??

 

**Rose:** No but it feels like it’s coming

 

**Harvey:** Just hold on tight you’ll be fine. Put on some music while you’re chatting to lighten the mood, and ease her into conversation. Does she have similar interests?

 

**Rose:** Yeah I guess

 

**Harvey:** You’re set then. If you still freak out I’ll help you talk with her, okay??

 

**Rose:** Ugh fine you idiot

 

**Harvey:** Cmon you know you love me

 

**Rose:** Cause you’re my only option nerd :)

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Tumblr Chat**

 

**Vasiliathefool:** Rose, is it not? This is Klara from the chatroom. 

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Hello? Are you still interesting in messaging me?

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** haha hey Klara! :) Just finished talking to my friend

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Brilliant. Do you want my opinion on Buffy the Vampire Slayer now? I can possibly remember a few key plot points back when I saw it.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** Uhhhhhhhhhhhh actually i have a confession to make

 

**Honorarysummersister:** turns out the friend that said Buffy was racist just said that to rile me up???

 

**Honorarysummersister:** if you feel like I’ve tricked you, then you don’t have to talk with me i completely understand

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Let me get something in. Truth be told, I was rather nervous before messaging you, so it’s quite a relief to hear you feel the same.

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Do you still want to talk to me, though?

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** of course! I’ve actually never talked to a vampire lmao. Guess vampires don’t wanna attend high school forever and the school board doesn’t wanna hire vampires either

 

**Vasilisathefool:** You’re still in high school? How old are you?

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** 17\. Im a senior :)

 

**Vasilisathefool:** I was around 18 when I was bitten. I taught myself to read once I arrived in America, but unfortunately I had to attend formal school if I wanted to go to college. Now, I just take classes for fun.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** really?? What kind???

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Currently, I’m taking a Marxist Studies class at a little college in New York. Unfortunately it’s not exactly free, so I work as a projectionist at the movies. Actually, I’m on the job right now. 

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** omg that’s great :) i just go to school and fangirl online i guess

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Well, most humans have meaningless existences, so just remember that you’re not alone.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** thanks… i think??

 

**Vasilisathefool:** If you do want to meet more vampires, then I have a few friends living with me. Perhaps I can make a group chat?

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** REALLY OMG CAN I INVITE MY FRIEND TOO

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** HES LIKE MY ONLY IRL FRIEND BUT PLEASSSSSSEE 

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Calm down. Yes, that can happen.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** sorry i get annoying when i’m excited (guess you saw that when we were chatting)

 

**Vasilisathefool:** At least you didn’t pester me to turn on my cam… L.M.A.O.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** yeah… haaha 

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** hey it’s getting late i should probs sleep

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Well, goodnight then, Rose. 

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** gn Klara :3

 

**Vasilisathefool:** ....

  
**Vasilisathefool:** Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Why do I feel like a fool now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyyy second chapter up next dayyyyyyy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> Anyway, some points for clarification: Pyotr and Lex are QPPs (Pyotr's aro and Lex is ace), Harvey's a well-meaning shitface, and Rose has social anxiety. Also, I just realized something: I unintentionally put a Buffy reference in my main character's names. Klara rhymes with Tara, and Rose is the first part of Willow's last name. So, I just gayed up my story more.
> 
> As I said before, this story's also on Wattpad! Bye guys ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	3. Surprise! Humans and Borderline-Threats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose: thanks again for letting me in the chat :) i have to sleep soon but i’ll be back tomorrow!!
> 
> Lex: u can stop being a bitchbaby now pyotr
> 
> Pyotr: Shut up, Lex.

**Group Chat: Guys, Don’t Get Mad**

 

**Pyotr:** Klara, you just changed the chat name. Now Lex is going to paste the Bee Movie script again.

 

**Klara:** If you guys get pissed, just know I apologized in advance.

 

**Lex:** ??? what even girl

 

_ ( _ **_Klara_ ** _ adds  _ **_XXX-448-9520_ ** _ to the chat.) _

 

**Lex:** *sniffs* nEW PERSON

 

**XXX-448-9520:** Um hi im new yes

 

**Pyotr:** What is the meaning of this?

 

**Klara:** I thought she would like to get to know my friends. So Pyotr- behave.

 

**Lex:** more like BEE-have amirite

 

**Lex:** you guys still here

 

**XXX-448-9520:** i’ll just introduce myself: i’m rose, i’m 17, i’m human, and a huge fan of buffy, twin peaks, x-files, and things related to sci-fi/supernatural!

 

**Klara:** Please don’t mind Pyotr- his disdain for humans rivals mine.

 

**Pyotr:** I’m just in shock that you didn’t ask us before about adding someone in.

 

**Lex:** ur just pissed its a human lets be real here

 

**Rose:** … guys? If im causing too much trouble then i can leave. I feel kinda bad now

 

**Lex:** pyotr’s just being a butt don’t worry about that loser and just tell us the details on you and klara ;)

 

**Klara:** We are not dating. I barely even know you, Rose.

 

**Rose:** i mean… im like gay i think so its not COMPLETELY out of the question lmao

 

**Lex:** omg klara’s blushing after you texted that rose jUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY

 

**Klara:** SHUT UP LEX

 

**Rose:** thanks again for letting me in the chat :) i have to sleep soon but i’ll be back tomorrow!!

 

**Lex:** u can stop being a bitchbaby now pyotr

 

**Pyotr:** Shut up, Lex. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Contact Name: pyotr more liKE PYOH-HELL NO**

 

**Lex:** Seriously pyo what the fuck was up with you today

 

**Pyotr:** What? I am being perfectly rational right now.

 

**Lex:** oh rly? Bc you were barely in the group chat when rose when invited

 

**Pyotr:** I’m just irritated that Klara invited the human before she asked us. Even you can agree this is out of character for her!

 

**Lex:** im not gonna argue. I just messaged you bc im worried you’ll scare rose off or smth

 

**Pyotr:** Is that what you’re worried about? When have I ever threatened anybody?

 

**Pyotr:** Are you really still typing after… Oh God it’s been twenty minutes Lex. YOU CAN STOP TYPING NOW.

 

**Lex:** i had to erase two paragraphs :( just don’t do anything bad to rose. I think klara might have a thing for her ;)

 

**Pyotr:** You thought I liked you after we first met, then you realized I was “aro”, as you put it.

 

**Lex:** and look who’s one of your qpps now ;)

 

**Pyotr:** I won’t message Rose, you cow.

 

**Lex:** ily too ;)

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Contact Name: XXX-888-0504/Pyotr**

 

**XXX-888-0504:** Rose.

 

**Rose:** um?? Who is this???

 

**XXX-888-0504:** Pyotr. One of Klara’s friends.

 

**Rose:** omg great! Lemme change your contact name

 

**Rose:** we’re good now lmao

 

**Pyotr:** I understand that Klara has become fond of you, right?

 

**Rose:** idk about that haha :/ she’s still kinda formal but whatever suits her i guess

 

**Pyotr:** That’s just the way she is.

 

**Rose:** good! :) so what did you wanna talk about?

 

**Pyotr:** Klara, Lex, and I have had experiences with humans that were worse than a few idiots from chatrooms. I was just wondering if you were one of the less understanding.

 

**Rose:** omg no :( i actually think vampires are cool!! My family’s the one that are iffy but that doesn’t matter haha

 

**Pyotr:** This is no laughing matter. Even though I trust Klara and Lex not to blurt out any secrets, Klara might become soft, as what Lex has told me. I need to know if you’ll be a trustworthy ally for us.

 

**Pyotr:** I have seen friends hurt countless times in the past due to slip-ups from their human friends. Klara hasn’t gone soft before this- it’s mostly been Lex or a few lost comrades. 

 

**Rose:** i’m really sorry :( but i think you can trust me

 

**Pyotr:** If you happen to hear anything we talk about that might be worthy to tell authorities, just know that you’ll be hurting the only people I have. Though I’ve cared less about my own well-being over the years, just know that I don’t take lightly to those who would rat out those who I consider family.

 

**Rose:** i… i understand

  
**Pyotr:** You better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a while! Sometimes even writers need a break lmao


	4. An Aria of Flirting, Fighting, and Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey: fucking post your address i’ll come over to your apartment with a garlic shield and stab a motherfucking cross through your boney-ass chest
> 
> Pyotr: I’ll have you know that unlike you fat breeding cows, I actually work out.
> 
> Lex: holy shit this roast war is intense like forget the handcuffs imma get some popcorn and sit my ass down to see if this ends with harvey coming over and making out with pyo

**Contact: Harvey Suess** **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

 

**Rose:** Hey…

 

**Harvey:** yo man how was the whole “meeting with vampires thing”??

 

**Harvey:** did they want to invite you over to suck your blood lol

 

**Rose:** pls take this seriously!! I need your advice

 

**Harvey:** Sorry. With what???

 

**Rose:** idk like everyone’s really nice and all but im worried that if i get involved something bad might happen

 

**Harvey:** what is this, the 50s?? People don’t hate vampires anymore so i think you’re safe lmao

 

**Rose:** It’s not even that. I know you’ll think it’s just paranoia but one of Klara’s friends texted me with some kind of warning!!

 

**Rose:** he sounded super serious too so idk if i should keep a distance or even keep texting them at all if one of them doesn’t want me there!!!

 

**Harvey:** hold on, hold on. Calm down, okay?? Are you panicking???

 

**Rose:** a lil

 

**Harvey:** i mean i understand that you’re super nervous. I mean… both of us haven’t even talked to a vampire before. So yeah, this time i do understand a little.

 

**Harvey:** What if i join the chat with you?? So that you can have someone you’re familiar with if you get uncomfortable :))

 

**Rose:** i thought you didn’t like vampires

 

**Harvey:** i think that’s just our parents lmao. Besides, it sounds cool what you’re doing, and i want to see what it’s all about. So if i can help you while meeting these guys, it’ll be even better, you know??

 

**Rose:** I guess, yeah…

 

**Rose:** Yeah. maybe i can ask them to let you in?? A few of them aren’t exactly cool with humans tho

**Harvey:** pls rose it’s a group chat. Not like they can reach us through the phone lines.

 

**Rose:** haha i guess you’re right :) thanks again dude

 

**Harvey:** No problem. And if i can’t get in, then i’ll call these guys myself and like

 

**Harvey:** idk cyberbully and shit

 

**Rose** : you’re not my dad dude :)

 

**Harvey:** ROSE HARRIET BAUMANN GO TO THE GROUP CHAT YOUNG LADY

 

**Rose:** IMMA REBEL DAD YOU CANT STOP ME

 

**Harvey:** you’re grounded

 

**Rose:** fINE I NEVER LOVED YOU ANYWAY BC YOU KILLED MOM

 

**Harvey:** we were starving we nEEDED THE MEAT MY CHILD

 

**Rose:** IM RUNNING AWAY

 

**Harvey:** fine want me to pack you a lunch

 

**Rose:** okeyy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Group Chat: N o  M o r e  M e m e s**

 

**Pyotr:** Please, Lex, you do not want me to get on my knees in the middle of the Metro.

 

**Lex:** AHAHAHAHA I SHALL SUCCESSFULLY FLIRT WITH EVERYONE IN NEW YORK. FIRST PYO- THEN THE WORLD

 

**Klara:** Take your sins elsewhere, Lex. You’re staining the group chat.

 

**Klara:** And aren’t you asexual?

 

**Lex:** lmao yeah. Maybe grey-ace with my tendency to talk like this to pyo. Mostly it’s just funny imagining him being all blushy and dumb in public bc of me lmaooo ;))))))

 

**Pyotr:** Stop it… I am not sexy or dumb. I am Pyotr Oleg Rabinovich, and you will stop this right now, Lex Yukimura. 

 

**Lex:** hmm i like this sudden dominance ;)))) lets see if i can make a surprise for you if you’re good~

 

**Klara:** You are both disgraces to this world. Take this somewhere private so I don’t witness this idiocy.

 

**Rose:** hey guys!!!

 

**Rose:** i just scrolled up and wow is this a bad time for me to pop in with a question or…??

 

**Klara:** Please do. These two were just being their disgusting selves.

 

**Pyotr:** Klara, when one vampire is being an arousing idiot that flirts for at least an hour for their amusement, said victim might be tempted to go home and- Rose, your age?

 

**Rose:** 17.

 

**Pyotr:** Still underage… Well, said victim is tempted to do “things” they won’t specify due to minors in the chat. Surely you understand that, Klara!

 

**Klara:** Don’t censor yourself. Rose IS almost eighteen, anyway. 

 

**Rose:** can i please ask a question???!!!!

 

**Klara:** Yes. Now shut the fuck up, Lex, Pyotr.

 

**Rose:** thanks……. Ummmmm my best friend realllllllllyyyyy wants to meet you guys! He’s a bit protective too, sooooo he miiiiiigght get suspicious if you dont let him in. so pleaaaaasseeeee can i invite him?????

 

**Pyotr:** Of course not.

 

**Klara:** Don’t be an ass, Pyotr. Explain your reasoning.

 

**Pyotr:** Don’t you see? It’s bad enough we let one human in. There will be even more of a risk of some idiot human spilling all of our secrets with one more in.

 

**Rose:** he’s not gonna say anything!! Besides, i only wanted him in bc of YOU

 

**Lex:** ohhhhhh shit pyo have you been threatening her???

 

**Pyotr:** Of course not! I merely laid out some ground rules. 

 

**Klara:** Pyotr, I will not have you threaten my new friend. Because of you speaking you her behind my back, we will have to do something in apology. Namely, letting her friend in.

 

**Pyotr:** Rose, I’m sorry. I’m just doing this for you and Lex.

 

**Klara:** Well, you haven’t seemed to take her feelings in consideration as well. Let him in, Rose.

 

**Rose:** Klara if this is making you fight with you friend, then this might not be a good idea.

 

**Klara:** Let him the fuck in, Rose. 

 

_ ( _ **_Rose_ ** _ adds  _ **_XXX-777-0450_ ** _ to the chat.) _

 

**XXX-777-0450:** Rose!!! How’re things??? Who are these guys?????

 

**Pyotr:** None of your business.

 

**Klara:** Pyotr… 

 

**Rose:** um, okay. Guys, this is harvey. He’s my best friend at school. Harvey, the memer is Lex, the grumpy guy is Pyotr, and the less grumpy one is Klara. 

 

**Klara:** Oh, how accurate these descriptions are.

 

**Lex:** (sniffs) another newcomer??? Lmao sorry i was getting the handcuffs!!

 

**Klara:** As I said before- you disgust me. Don’t influence this poor boy. I’m already making his contact in case Rose dies or something so we have someone to call.

 

**Harvey:** I… huh. Trusting me that fast, huh??

 

**Pyotr:** Don’t flatter yourself.

 

**Klara:** PYOTR.

 

**Lex:** Harvey, hm? Maybe you can send me a pic? Pyo’s way into dudes too, so if you stop by new york then give us a call! I’ll make sure to let you join ;))))))

 

**Harvey:** uhhhhh as much as i appreciate the pick-up lines, im mostly here for rose ill be honest

 

**Lex:** don’t even bother she’s already taken by klara. But i bet you’re already thinking about a vampire threesome hmm ;)))))

 

**Lex:** oh god he left the chat didn’t he

 

**Harvey:** uh sorry just got kinda weirded out I’ll be honest. I… can see why rose wanted me

 

**Rose:** Harveeeeeeeyyyyy pls don’t worry!! I think you’re a special case for Lex

 

**Lex:** Also i dont wanna ruin Klara’s chances bc of my smexy suave flirt skills

 

**Pyotr** : It took at least thirty years before I decided to further my friendship with Lex, and if it takes that same time for me to consider Human #2, then I’d rather have my chances with becoming friendly with Klara’s new toy rather than bed a balding man-child.

 

**Harvey:** you wanna fucking go pal

 

**Harvey:** 1\. Only I am allowed to fuck with my best friend, not an asshole vampire. 2. You’re an asshole. 3. I’d rather be forced to suck donald trump’s spray-tan coated dick than to ever be in communication with someone who’s name i can’t even spell!!!

 

**Klara:** Oh God. Pyotr’s going to go insane. Rose, to Tumblr.

 

**Rose:** why????

 

**Klara:** Trust me. You do not want to see how this will end. 

 

**Lex:** uhhhhhh if this started with my suggesting a threesome then i humbly apologize

 

**Pyotr:** For once, this isn’t about YOU, Lex. It’s about me and this upstarting piece of pure millennial waste of human resources.

 

**Harvey:** fucking post your address i’ll come over to your apartment with a garlic shield and stab a motherfucking cross through your boney-ass chest

 

**Pyotr:** I’ll have you know that unlike you fat breeding cows, I actually work out.

 

**Lex:** holy shit this roast war is intense like forget the handcuffs imma get some popcorn and sit my ass down to see if this ends with harvey coming over and making out with pyo

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Tumblr Chat**

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Thank God, we’re safe from the idiots and their newest victim. 

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** Sorry for inviting harvey in btw… he can get……. Intense when it comes to his pride

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Aren’t most men like that?

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Anyway, it wasn’t your fault. Pyotr shouldn’t have made you feel unsafe in the first place. 

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** i can understand why he did it i guess. At the very least it shows how much he cares about his friends. 

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** How did you all meet btw???

 

**Vasilisathefool:** I believe it was somewhere around the early 1930s, after the Depression hit. I had been a vampire for a few decades, and knew how to capture a human successfully. Don’t be shocked- back then we didn’t have the government care enough about us to ration out bags of blood.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** Lmao i know grandma :PP

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Let me continue. I was on a train car and hiding out when I came across Pyotr. He was cast out of his family the minute he turned, as one of his family’s enemies bit him. The Rabinovichs’ didn’t want shame come from their only son being turned. Pyotr was attempting to kill a worker on the car, but as he was a newborn vampire, he was going through a painful transformation. I pitied him, so I killed the worker for him to eat so he would suffer less.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** Um… i mean i KNOW that vampires obvs killed back then, but my vision of you just changed a lil

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Please, don’t think of me as an angel. Obviously I had to kill, but don’t think I enjoyed it. I may be considered a degenerate to civilized society, but at least I’m a classier degenerate than most.

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Pyotr has been grateful to me ever since, even considering me a sister since he was disowned. It was another thirty years before we came across Lex. It was after World War II, and the government had all the war camps for Japanese citizens emptied. While Pyotr and I were searching the woods in a nearby camp, we heard something. Turns out one of the citizens, AKA Lex, hadn’t been found, and apparently ran away after being turned by a guard. After offering them a place to stay, Lex agreed to live as a pack with Pyotr and I. 

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Well… Yes, that’s our story. You and Harvey have been the only ones to earn our trust. At least the trust of Lex and I, of course. Pyotr needs some more warming up.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** Huh. i’m actually kinda impressed… you all lived through a lot of shit, but i wouldnt even guess it. I mean lex is pretty damn happy for someone who’s lived in a war camp. 

 

**Vasilisathefool:** They want to embrace life. Unfortunately, this includes following every trend of the newest decade. You should have seen them in the Eighties, though. 

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** before i go to bed, i have one more question i wanna ask

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** um… why me???? Like i know how cliche it is, but you’ve got these two hella cool people that you can actually relate to!! The most i’ve dealt with was middle school… haha

 

**Vasilisathefool:** You get paranoid of humans after avoiding them for so long. However, living in the city makes you curious to what’s out there. So I was decided to quit being afraid, and go online for kindred spirits.

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Truthfully, when I first conversed with you, I thought, “She’s annoying, but better than the rest out there”. Then in our second conversation… I became more relaxed than I had in awhile. I had been worrying about strictly vampire matters for so long, I forgot what it meant to be human.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** so im helping you develop your emotions and all that other sappy stuff?????

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Whatever you have to say to help you sleep at night.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** well i clearly matter to you, if you get angry enough to fight with your bestie about me :)) i have to go to bed… but we can talk tomorrow right?????

 

**Vasilisathefool:** Considering I can text anytime except during class, of course.

 

**Honorarysummerssister:** K :))))) gn klara!!!!

 

**Vasilisathefool:** God… I need more feelings about this situation like I need another teeth in my asshole… 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a while :((( Jfc i need a regular schedule asap
> 
> By the way, use they/them pronouns for Lex because they're nonbinary!! As for the relationship between Lex and Pyotr... Well, they're QPPs with benefits. As always, thanks for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> While I'm working a serious novel, I'm just using this series as a breather lmao. As for the double reference in Rose's url, it's for Buffy the Vampire Slayer (since Buffy Summers) and the web series Carmilla (Summer Society). Klara's is from two fairy tales, Vasilisa the Beautiful and Ivan the Fool. 
> 
> Anyway, these convos before the one with Rose are all based off the ones I had before. No one knows true suffering until you are pestered to cam with some creepy guy in his basement. 
> 
> Finally, the bit about otherkin was a real convo I had. No disrespect to otherkin, except that one that actually thought I was a witch because I made a few jokes about it. True story, sadly. 
> 
> Please comment on what you like and don't like! You can also find this story on my Wattpad, tumblingintolove!


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